Posted on June 25, 2009 - by Rasham

Seeking Good, Orderly Direction

I’ve been fired from every job I’ve ever had, and its beginning to feel as though the universe is ushering me out of paid positions within which I was beginning to rot. I never considered myself a quitter: quitting a job included. Therefore, despite every subtle hint from the depths of my heart, despite that soft voice of reason and conscience nagging my stubborn disposition, I would find ways to make myself believe the self told lie that I was happy in my work environment, and worse: that I belonged there. At my core, I was a tragic example of a wretched woman struggling to see the purpose in her toilsome efforts. Each time I was hit with the crushing reality of employment termination, I would search within myself to understand exactly what went wrong, and would arrive at the conclusion that there was something wrong with me, and not the job. Why is it so hard to accept that perhaps the essence of the job isn’t compatible with the essence of the employee? That, just like in a romantic relationship, you can try to sacrifice parts of yourself in an undying attempt to make it work, when the inevitable outcome is a nasty divorce?

In the same way that I am attracted to the wrong type of men, I am attracted to the wrong types of jobs, being thrown out on the street at the end of one relationship only to rush into the arms of another of the same nature, though wearing a different mask. I continuously enter into commitments with partners of similar characteristics, allowing myself to be carried off by the hopeless fantasy that this time, it would be different. It is different, for a while: new coworkers, new uniform, and a new route to work. But the newness wears off, and the ‘high’ associated with feelings of accomplishment and approval of having been newly elected employee is overshadowed by unhappiness. The actuality of gloom and grief is distorted to suit my social goal of success and respect from my working class peers. Why do we allow ourselves to commit to that which contributes to our feelings of despair and worthlessness? Why, despite all the evidence, do we apply for the same position at a varying venue, expecting dramatically different emotional results?

It’s easy to practice repetition, to remain in a comfortable place of familiarity and routine, and some of us subconsciously bargain our happiness and individuality for security and support. It’s easy to stay at a job you hate, if the price is right, and you’ve adopted the mantra ‘well, it’s not that bad’.  Sometimes, we compare ourselves to others, preaching to our comrades at the happy hour lounge in between hours of miserable labor, that in the least, we have a job. So how much of ourselves are we willing to bargain in the rapture of fear? Fear of the future, of losing our luxuries: fear of having to choose something different? Some of us keep the same jobs for all our lives, and are happy doing so, thriving in an unchanging environment of sameness. Some of us drive ourselves mad when we unintentionally suppress our curiosity and inherent sense of adventure because we are taught to value seniority over spontaneity in our employment careers. We confine ourselves to that which is merely ‘good enough’, that job which suffices our monetary requirements but that weakens our malnourished creative spirit. We die within the walls of the cells we build, and all because we are afraid to step away from comfort long enough to find something truly fitting.

We live everyday in the shadow of the classic American dream, waiting for something to happen to us, for some reward for time served and taxes paid that would validate working an unsatisfying job. We see life as a series of mundane moments made worthwhile by defining events: graduation, marriage, kids. However, we often find ourselves unfulfilled in light of these achievements, disappointed when they fail to provide us with the stamina to continue on our dead-end paths. After a certain point, the fruits of our labor are hardly worthy of celebration: surmounting stress, health problems, and financial debt, to name a few, all made possible by the sheer will to survive our habitual behavior.

After retirement, most Americans are wise enough to throw in the towel, fed up enough to stunt the continuation of a consistent life. They finally pursue the dreams of their childhood, which long before came second to the need to settle into a steady income. Living in a warm and sunny place, traveling the world by boat or RV, or simply shedding the layers of a stagnant existence and adopting healthier alternatives are some ways we express our natural instinct to stimulate our own personal growth. We revive our wild inhibitions and wonder why we put it off for so long.

After the fifth employment rejection in my twenty-something years on earth, I’ve decided I will practice bravery rather than prepare for the next job interview. I will peel myself from the sticky trap of redundancy and venture into open waters, that I may explore a very different avenue of career possibilities. I may fail, I may succeed: but I have not the energy to feign interest in an empty dependence. Just like at the fateful end of a relationship with a man, I will pick myself up, embrace independence from the bondage of a settled existence, and for the first time in my life, learn the lessons which have been in front of me from the very start. If you’re unhappy at work, only you have the power to promote change. Take a moment to shake hands with your inner awareness, and assess whether the relationship within which you actively contribute is stimulating to your personal well-being. If not, be brave enough to admit that perhaps your emotional health is unworthy of such work related torture; be the first to boldly walk away. And, instead of suffering through the embarrassment and nerve wrecking experience of being fired, release your fears and listen to yourself: let the unconditional love of your spiritual guide illuminate the path to freedom before it’s too late.